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Everything posted by Brian

  1. Happy Birthday Tiddler

    Happy birthday Jim.
  2. Lifejacket check

    Hi Steve Auto Capsules have arrived, Thanks.
  3. NHS wins it's case

    A Nottingham woman has lost her case at Nottingham magistrates court today, after she tried to sue "NHS Queens Medical Centre" after her husband went in for an operation which left him unable to have sex with her afterwards. Mrs Minger of Bulwell aged 67 said to reporters outside court this afternoon "Me and me 'usband Fred 'ave 'ad bangin' sex till 'e went ta 'ospital and 'ad 'is operation, now 'e's not interested 'n me and it's all down to them twats" ! The surgeon who performed the operation and attended court to give evidence said "all we did was remove Fred's Cataracts" !
  4. Lifejacket check

    Brilliant. Order placed.
  5. Lifejacket check

    I need 4 of these as mine are out of date. They're United Moulders, what price can you do them for?
  6. Lifejacket check

    Just checked my 6 Life Jackets. 4 good, 2 failed, so it was out with Stanley Knife and into the bin.
  7. Happy birthday Jacob

    Happy birthday Jacob.
  8. Birthday greetings Derek

    Happy birthday Derek.
  9. Happy Birthday Mr. Chairman

    Happy birthday
  10. Seenager

  11. Fat chance

  12. Magic for Seniors

  13. Breaking News

    Breaking News: Downing Street release photo of first expelled Russian undercover agent leaving the country.
  14. Lazy old Tiddler

    They must get a brilliant shine, the police have to cover up the vehicles so they don't dazzle everyone.
  15. Walker's Crisps

    Sky News have just confirmed that the Leicester based company Walkers Crisps is to be taken over by a mega rich Arabian Consortium led by Sultan Sheikh.
  16. Her car wouldn't start

  17. Not sure how this works

  18. Government Contracts

    Three contractors are asked to bid to refurbish the fence at 10 Downing Street. One contractor is from Birmingham, another is from Liverpool, and the third is from London. All three meet with a civil servant in Downing Street. The Brummie contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures and says, "I figure the job will run about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for my crew, and £100 profit for me." The Scouse contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says. "I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £200 for my crew, and £200 profit for me." The bloke from London doesn't bother to do any measuring or calculations; he just leans over to the civil servant and whispers, "I'll do it for £2,700" The civil servant is understandably incredulous, and says, "You didn't even measure like the others ! How did you come up with such a high estimate ?" The London bloke whispers back, "£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Liverpool to do the job." "Done!" replies the civil servant. *Now do you see how Carillion went under, leaving the taxpayer with the bills ?*
  19. Warning

    Be CAREFUL This is for all of you 70 + year-olds, and those of us closing in on the "Golden Years". This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area. An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts. I am sending this to my children so that they don’t sell the house before they know all the facts.
  20. Shopping in bad weather

  21. Rugby Tickets

    Rugby tickets England v Ireland March 17 St Patrick’s Day Twickenham This may be of interest to one of you. A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Ireland 17th Mar. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at Marylebone Registry Office, at 4.30pm. The bride's name is Nicole -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.