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Brian

Short stories

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A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  At her next check-up, the new young doctor told her to bring a lislt of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.  Looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.    "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"   "Yes, they help me sleep  at night."   "Mrs. Smith, I assure you - there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"  She  reached out, patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I  grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks.  And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."   You gotta love Grandmas!
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A man was riding on a full bus, minding his own business, when the  gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.  The baby  wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come  on, sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."  Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."  A few  minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid, make up your mind, I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

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Students in an advanced biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was,  'Name seven advantages of mother's milk.'  The question was worth 70 points or none at all.  One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.   He wrote:
1)   It is perfect formula for the child.
2)   It provides immunity against  several diseases.
3)   It is always the right temperature.
4)   It is inexpensive.
5)   It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6)   It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.  Finally, in desperation, just before  the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7)   It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground that the cat can't get it.  .....He got an A.

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An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying.  He calls his grandson to his  bedside.  "Guido, I wana  you lissina me.  I wana you to take-a my chrome  plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."   "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.  How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"  "You  lissina me, boy!  Somma day you gonna be runna da  business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos  Then one-a  day you gonna come-a home and maybe  finda you wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta you gonna do then- pointa to you watch and say,    'Times up'? "
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A woman and her 12-year-old son  were riding in a taxi in Detroit.  It  was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.    "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"   "They're  waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.  The taxi driver turned around and said, "Geez, lady, why don't you tell the kid the truth?  They're hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money."  The little boy's eyes got wide and he asked, "Is that  true, Mom?"  His mother,  glaring hard at the driver, answered,"Yes."  After a few minutes the kid asked, "Mom, if those women have  babies, what happens to them?"  She replied, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

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An elderly, but hardy, cattleman from Texas once told a young  female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103.  She left behind 11 children, 30 grandchildren, 41 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren..... and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used  to be.

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